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Sunday, December 2, 2012

REHAB.

I stared at the white and brown ceilings above my head. the halogen bulb kept blinking in slow successions and some tiny insects danced around it.

"waap" one fell on my arm. I slapped it and hissed. I switched off the light.

Janet snored gently. I liked the sound. It reminds me of me. The fan went gently and gave a hum of a popular chorus. I hummed along, smiling. Tears trickled down the sides of me eyes as I hummed. Tears of..... I don't know.

I was 9 years old, I peed on my bed, someone slapped me and slapped again, then dragged me outside. "Stupid child who still messes the bed at your age?" More slaps. I woke up, it was dark couldn't see who. I slept on the balcony.

I was 12 years old. Cousin came for weekend and saturday night as I showered, he peeped from the window. Later he came to my room naked. I screamed and he ran out. I was denied food for 2 days for lying on him.

I was 16!!!! I was suspended from school for having a phone, insulting a teacher and having love letters. I was sent to my Grandma's house (not in a village). That suspension gave me my best friend. Grandma!!! 3 weeks of love, play, harmony and understanding. I never wanted to go.

I was 17. My best friend died, Grandma.

I was 19. I was evil.

I was twenty one... I wanted another best friend.

I am 22, I've found none.

I am.... "hey hey..." Janet shook me, why are you singing and crying?

I opened my eyes, 3 pairs of eyes stared curiously into my face.

"was I loud?'' I asked calmy.
"hmmmm.... you were screaming, do you ever sleep at all?"

I heaved. I will never sleep at night. I have chronic insomnia and something in my mind was making things hard. I know what it is and I won't say it. The doctor has done her job.

**************************************

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

HADES.

I want to thank everyone that looked out for me as a result of my last post. Every comment gave me one more reason to smile,to hope,to live,to EAT,ESPECIALLY TO EAT.
Toin... I can't thank you enough, your friends are really lucky.YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON,TO EVERY WORD OF IT. LOVE.

Thanks Luciano,I felt really special reading your comment,it was a huge relief.

@9jagreat.. you may not know it but you lifted my spirits, I know I was a bit difficult,but thanks for pressing on,I really appreciate you. hey...its nice to have you as a friend. :)

Sugarspring.... thanks for that comment, I was so encouraged and felt better. God bless you.

MsJB, your comment surprised me,owing to how we parted ways and even though I had said I wouldn't have any deal with you, I think your comment completely broke me, I want to say,I'm sorry for that uproar I caused and I was more than happy to see your comment, I cried sweetly and i will get back to you. Thanks a lot. LOVE.

Ginger.... thanks so much,you sounded like the elder sister I have never had and I knew immediately that you cared, thanks for your prayers and concern, your comment was heartfelt and I appreciate you.

@Tamie... thanks for the care and the shoulder, I appreciate you. God bless you.

Finally... Didi, I don't know what I would have done at this time without you, you know you are incredible,right?? I can't say it enough but you're a life saver.You scooped me from shit...right on time. In summary, I love you too,more than I can say it *kisses and more kisses*

WHEW... I may not blog in a while,some months or so. I have a problem and I don't know, Didi has been trying to help and it's working,he has helped me to improve and I recommend him anytime. I hate what I'm going through and how I feel, and before I die in the midst of plenty... I have secured a therapist..yes, I am undergoing therapy. My parents don't know YET, (I HOPE). I won't share my experiences or therapy sessions(I've had 2) but I will say if I'm better.

Thanks to all that care... XoxO!

DIDI.... #MUAH











Tuesday, October 9, 2012

RAMBLINGS.

Sometimes I feel very vain and useless,nothing causes the feeling, I just sit down and allow depression to deal with me. I'm a crier. I cry at everything but I'm not vulnerable, I still think when I'm crying, I even think better. This is one of those moments when I feel really vain. I have been crying all through the weekend and over, my eyes look like I have bags of rice in them but I don't care, I'm very edgy and raw and everything is making me cry.


I know the problem, I have nobody to talk to or trust, I have nobody to share my feelings with, I'm scared of everything,everybody. I remove my mask at night after trying all day to be smiley and I cry bitterly. No, I am not lonely, I am depressed.

I don't have a boyfriend, actually, I don't want a boyfriend.

I think of so many things at the same time and I keep trying to find what my problem is, I just feel vain.
I'm not broke, I try not to be, I am very hungry, I haven't eaten for 2 days, ok, I had a bottle of malt yesterday and that was it, I am so weak and fragile and I miss my mother and brother. I also miss my daddy. *crying*.

I have finished 2 boxes of kleenex since last night. I have talked to myself in the mirror, I have prayed and tried to sleep, I feel like I am dying.

I am not lonely, I am depressed.

My Ex called me last night. I wasn't happy to talk to him but I did. He knows I'm undergoing a rough phase. He reminded me of how I use to look into his eyes and say before you give up, buy me a dress, and he'll love me for that and all over and brim all over again.

I cried when he was talking and i just felt like slipping into a grave and remaining there.

Nothing means anything to me... I think so.

I have only one friend, but she has other priorities, I think I need to give her space. She comes back when she thinks I'm angry. *shrugs*

I need someone I can talk to,expose all my life to,play with,laugh with, quarel with and get back with, and feel very safe.

THERE IS NO SUCH PERSON.

So, I'll wallow in misery and depression until I can come around again. If you have a FRIEND, I mean a friend in every word of it, not friend because that's what you can call him or her, I mean a friend friend, please cherish him/her.

Ok, its not about if I don't have friend or friends, I just want to stop crying, I want to get food and eat, I'm very hungry, I repeat, I'm very hungry and I am depressed. Nothing means anything to me and I feel I've gotten to that point that vainess overwhelms me. I should take a long last breathe.

I want to stop crying. I want to be a lawyer. So I have something to live on for.

I have lost everything.

I want a shoulder I will cry on for 2 hours and sleep and say nothing and wake up to a big plate of plantain porridge and shredded chicken and bottle of smothies,cry gain and sleep.

THERE IS NO SUCH SHOULDER.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Nigerian "god".

Saw this on @Dianah"s blog and decided to share before I write the 2nd sequel of kissing spree. You can also view it here http://www.dianahsplace.com/2012/08/the-nigerian-godsad-but-true.html


I found it kind of funny but true,please read and share too.

please it doesn't talk about Jehovah,the Great God oh


The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.
This article is for all those who want to become better worshippers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.

First, you must understand that being a worshipper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.

When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.

When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.

Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.

The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?

The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s.

The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.

If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.

The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.

These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship.

In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.
-Anonymous

xo...

Thursday, July 26, 2012

KISSING SPREE..

Hello my people, long time here, hope you're all fine, I know you're not missing me, well I don't miss you too :p..

To the business of the day, some of you know how much I like kissing....oh yea, SERIAL KISSER....as much as I'm not proud of it, I've learnt a lot... so this post is about guys/men I've kissed and the manner.

Names are replaced with letters.

Mr A...This one was a first time kiss, his tongue,gums,lips and jaws reached my throat...saliva was everywhere and at some point I was like, can someone get AIDS through kissing?

Mr B...This one....halitosis,...I don't know if he hadn't brushed his mouth that day but it seemed like he has never seen a toothbrush.....he tasted like odara....sorry,make that Cabai...that stuff used for killing snakes, I don't even know the taste, that's what came into my mind. I couldn't eat that day.

Mr E... This one was a shark!!!! my poor tilapia mouth suffered, I was gasping for air, it was like nails were puncturing my mouth, People, I cried. this was a near death experience.

Mr S.... I'm tempted to mention his name oh SA.... This idiot ate Suya and yahooza before kissing me, all my lips were on fire and he didn't let go for 10 full minutes... for that whole night...my lips were red.

Mr V...VICTOR....this one is a Vampire...as in literally...I swear, I spat blood later.... I had to ask him if he was doing assignment.

Mr S also ate pepper soup to kiss me once oh....the guy likes pepper.

Another Mr A.... I vomitted.. He ate garlic! Help me say Ew...he is a good kisser but I threw up. GARLIC...God forgive him.

Mr I... I thought I kissed an angel....I did littlke, he did most of the work...that one they call *lips massage* unforgettable!!!

The one that kept saying don't stop pleaseeee...at the Cinema...people were giggling....shame hasn't been greater, for just kiss oh.

My Ex... he was amazing....I could kiss him for hours.

my Bff....Let me mention him, EE, he was the best!!!! I would like to describe it but I don't want to miss him. His saliva taste like honey! I'm not kidding>>>you could put it in bread and eat....ha!!!

Then the normal ones....boring kisses...after 5 mins,game is up, the ones tht want to pray before they kiss are the most annoying, breathing hard and calling *Lord* and I even laughed out one time so, dude said I was mocking him.

Mr O.....this one na Cat...his beards scratched my face...seriously.

This is all I can remember, there'll be vol 2.
Please oh...I don't go below the belt..its B.. figure that out :p

Anybody wanna share? :d

I will do anything to kiss Channing Tatum...just kiss, I don't want to get over him...any help?

Love all of you....special kisses from the serial killer...sorry kisser.
XoXo

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

REST IN PEACE.

I didn't want to join the trend on the DANA airline crash, everyone has something to say or write but when I saw the manifest and I saw "Iniobong Asuquo" and "Farida Kaikai" on it, I thought I was dreaming, I have been crying like hell, Ini was the only daughter of her parents and just finished NYSC, she was a student of MONEF sch,1998, and FGGC Ikot Obio Itong, beautiful girl, we went to see her mother here and the sight of the woman hugging her daughter's clothes and photos just tore me apart. Pain has never been great.
Farida....hm.... wanted to put her pix here but let me leave it, public relations officer at Aso savings and loans, she worked with my cousin and I didn't really know her,the little I know, she was annoying at times but fun to be with, I personally used to call her kai kai, sure you know what it means, beautiful, single lady...

I have cried for Ini and for those air hostess that just went to do their daily jobs. And Ini, we will always remember you, your beauty, warmth, smile, great taste of everything and humility... Rest in peace in God's bossom, sleep on darling.
Farida..... Rest in peace.

May God grant your families the fortitude to bear this irreplaceable loss.
Adieu

Thursday, May 17, 2012

THANKS






I didn't plan to blog in a very long while but I want to thank http://didis-view.blogspot.com/ for this award, this is my first award since I started blogging and I want to thank Didi for it. He buzzed me up somewhere ;) that he had tagged me. Thanks muchos.
I'm sorry I have to break the rules. I'm passing this award to my very dear friend, Kimberly Valerie,http://sevendeadlypoets.blogspot.com Miss you
Bisouxxx

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Hi sweetheartssss and darlingssss, as usual I don’t even know where to start!!! I’ll be brief. It has been a marathon of things. I have been caught up in a web of what I can’t even describe but in summary “NYSC” and whew……this stuff is crazy. I’ll be back soon sha!!!




this post is just to tell God thank you for one more year *tears*, I look at my life and I quietly whisper to myself “Gret baby, you don’t deserve this measure of love” but God looks at me and says “Baby, shhh….don’t say that, you deserve more than this”. I know God reads my blog, sometimes he laughs sometimes he frowns, sometimes he rolls his eyes and says whaaaat, sometimes he wonders why I even blog even though he won’t say so and I know he’s reading this one and wondering what I’m upto.


Dear Jesus,
Thank you for this undeserving life you gave me, I know you’ve said I shouldn’t say so but I can’t remember what I’ve done to eschew such massive love from you.
Thank you for one more year… thank you for speaking to me in many more ways than I can imagine, thank you for delivering me from the claws of death, thank you for always having my back even when I disobey you, thank you for making me realize that only you can give me the love I want, thank you for taking me higher even when I felt I was high enough, thank you for small achievements, thank you for lessons I’ve learnt, thank you for corrections and hugs and warmth and kisses, thank you for talents, thank you for a kind heart, thank you for making me special, thank you for hymns at night and lines to go on with…..yes, that dream you gave me gave me one more chapter, I didn’t even know you were reading my poem oh, thank for laughing when I’m silly and pulling my ears when I get naughty, the other day, I was so lonely, I almost accepted Austin’s proposal, I felt so happy to say YES but you made Aunty Ekaette call almost immediately and remind me of how special I was and how much she loves me, she even bought a new perfume for me, I knew that was you telling me “my baby, I’m always with thinking of you, you don’t need Austin, not now, not ever” ahhh…..you thought I wouldn’t know, the other Sunday, I went to church in a hurry and wanted to leave in a hurry but you used the testimony of that man to keep me because you had something to tell me, you told me I was amazing and you told me I was your child, I cried so hard, I thought I’d look ugly but you know what you put on my face, everybody said I was too beautiful, on Friday the 13th you saved me from a ghastly accident and even though we joked about it and said Friday the 13th so many times, I knew you had saved my life even though I was coming back from a club, thank you for always making me remember to pray, thank you for making my little efforts sooo outstanding, thank you for making me a woman so I’d appreciate your love better….

thank you for understanding me enough, thank you for chasing away evil when I take the wrong way. I could go on and on and you know I would…..thanks bestie for life.




Thank you for 21 years of life.
Your amicable daughter.
XXX.



Dear readers, I have a song will like to post here but can't, please any idea how to will be appreciated. thanks



P.S Does anybody have an idea on how to stop excessive crying? My tear glands are out of this world oh. :D
I love you all….muah!!!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

CAUTIONED AND GROOMED!!!

Ermm….*ignores cobwebs* Hello bloggers…..I know…..”where the hell has she been”? Hey…no form Rambo for there oh, I know you missed me and you were worried about me sef and sincerely, I missed everyone too. Ok, I didn’t miss MsJB a.k.a @JanylBenyl and Didi a.k.a @itsDiDi, these 2 wannabes lovers??? I didn’t miss them. Please before I continue, follow on twitter @Ameikpe, that’s if you don’t want me to be missing you oh :D. (let me wait for those two to start wagging their tongues).

So many things have been happening, even blogger don change format, na so…I wan log in, I saw *forgotten your password? Click here* I clicked…2 days before I could see my blog and that’s my excuse for being away, I forgot my password!!! And also,I am working on my books—a novel and an anthology, I know all of you know what that means, I never knew till I joined NaijaStories and I’m heading back there soon.

As some of you know, my life is a dramatic whirlwind and I manage to make people feel the breeze but I didn’t expect what happened last week. I was invited to do a poem at a big man’s birthday in my state, flights tickets and other deals were covered, yes, I’m a celeb :p. my dear momma bought me one of the hottest dresses I had ever had a chance to set eyes on, a God-knows-it’s hot RIVER ISLAND black and maroon dress, I wore one of these over coloured shoes from China, very cheap but very high and that’s what I was after oh, did my hair at B&B at Abj and felt like Glo then I went to present the poem.

The birthday was dry, to be candid, he’s a clergy man, a Bishop but mehn it was over-dry, kids presented 2 songs, loads of political talks and book launch, opening of so and so foundation, one terrible sleepy over-weight igbo lady singer ruined the evening, ohh choir did a presentation and I did my poem when the “party” was almost over and one of my fav artist “PAT AKPABIO” from my state did a song.

By Tuesday evening, my mum called me and said “don’t sleep till I come back”. Of course I slept, mumy’s meetings finishes by 2am and I wasn’t in a club jor. Well, she came back and said something was up.
Apparently, the man clocked 50, my poems for 50 years are usually humorous and a very funny, I’d post one soon but in the spirit of writing I wrote this line
From “Ambi,let’s go upstairs and make passionate love” it will be “ambi, you know there’s no lift in this house, I can’t do stairs and passion, please choose one” If you don’t understand that bit…well, ask me.
Brothers and sisters, no, sisters and brothers, that line got me into trouble. The chairman of the planning committee of the birthday wanted to see me urgently, people were calling in and out asking who the hell I was to write such rubbish…Imagine, call a poem I wrote in 6 hours rubbish…Make God punish that man sef…mtchew!!! Some people said that it was too sensitive-agreed, some said it was too insolent-HOW? Some said I was too bold-agreed, some said I was stupid and insultive-??? Some said that it meant I want to make passionate love to him-AGREEDDDDD…mehn, I heard so many things, when my mum told me all of these, I started crying, yes oh,I cry a lot, a whole lot, I’m that cute. The chairman had called her along with others and they tabled my poem…I could imagine my mum on that table and tears flowed from my eyes, the next 3 days were crazy. My number leaked!!! I had 32 messages in one day telling me of how mannerless I was. Let’s not talk about calls. My mum kept saying “baby…calm down,good writers face criticisms and you should always expect this”. Please, if you want to criticize me, go to the dailies.. PUNCH, VANGUARD, THE SUN, TRIBUNE, NEW YORK TIMES, LONDON TIMES, OK MAGAZINES, SPANISH TV, CNN, LTV, SILVERBIRD, E! ….. don’t call my line!!!
I felt like buying a gun. In all these turmoil, my daddy wasn’t even aware, and I couldn’t tell him. He kept asking why my phones were ringing all the time and I was like people are appreciating the poem. You’d like to know, for my dad, there’s only one solution to every problem- FIGHT. The winner of the fight leads the way. So, I couldn’t talk to him.
What made me feel really bad was, the celebrant didn’t even pick my calls and he’s my God-father, I felt so terrible, I mean, we gist and talk and laugh everyday and then you are angry with me and you won’t even tell me? I cried again.
Friday morning, I couldn’t stand that anymore, I left for abj, in the evening, my mummy called to say The chairman came to see me but I had left for the airport, she said I needed to be cautioned and groomed… I couldn’t believe it, cautioned and groomed…at that instant, my head torched.
I picked up my phone, called one of my people and I arranged to go back home, I was angry. Get this, for every person that called and sounded diplomatic with me, I apologized honestly and sincerely, I was ready to take full responsibility for the effects of that night, the poem presentation was one of the very few entertainments and I was responsible for any uproar but please, calling me names?
Well, I did something I don’t usually do when in crisis, I prayed!! And I cried. It hurt me to be in the center of another storm, I’ve had enough in this my 22 years on earth and I needed calm. I felt better. I cancelled my flight schedule and I told my mum to tell them I was sorry.
Sunday evening, my mum called to say, I was part of the message being preached, my ex called and said his phone has been bombarded with calls. I couldn’t imagine how he felt, I sincerely wished I had told my daddy, even if he would fight and kill.
I still don’t understand what goes through some people’s head, it seems to me that people wake up with this evil intention in their hearts and they start scheming Rambo, the people criticizing have never read any literature book, the only poem they know is the first stanza of *twinkle, twinkle, little star* and if the poem *my mother* hadn’t been put in a song they wouldn’t know it but they run their mouth and I knew the reason, that line was sexual, tell me who know about sex? What’s the ish in it anyway? I mean *passionate love* cause all these oh? Yes, the deputy governor as there, yes, the wife of the SSG which is a friend to my mummy was there, yes arch bishops and all of them were there? Don’t they have passionate love with their spouses even if it’s the old school way? Ok, I shouldn’t have said that because it was a religious party, wth is that anyway?
Well, things are getting calm now and I’ve learnt a lot: GOOD WRITERS WILL ALWAYS FACE CRITICISMS. I think I’m ready for that phase of my life.
That picture up there…that’s the man I did the poem for, he’s my God-father and I LOVE HIM PASSIONATELY.
Good to be back….bisou. happy valentine.