Sometimes I feel very vain and useless,nothing causes the feeling, I just sit down and allow depression to deal with me. I'm a crier. I cry at everything but I'm not vulnerable, I still think when I'm crying, I even think better. This is one of those moments when I feel really vain. I have been crying all through the weekend and over, my eyes look like I have bags of rice in them but I don't care, I'm very edgy and raw and everything is making me cry.
I know the problem, I have nobody to talk to or trust, I have nobody to share my feelings with, I'm scared of everything,everybody. I remove my mask at night after trying all day to be smiley and I cry bitterly. No, I am not lonely, I am depressed.
I don't have a boyfriend, actually, I don't want a boyfriend.
I think of so many things at the same time and I keep trying to find what my problem is, I just feel vain.
I'm not broke, I try not to be, I am very hungry, I haven't eaten for 2 days, ok, I had a bottle of malt yesterday and that was it, I am so weak and fragile and I miss my mother and brother. I also miss my daddy. *crying*.
I have finished 2 boxes of kleenex since last night. I have talked to myself in the mirror, I have prayed and tried to sleep, I feel like I am dying.
I am not lonely, I am depressed.
My Ex called me last night. I wasn't happy to talk to him but I did. He knows I'm undergoing a rough phase. He reminded me of how I use to look into his eyes and say before you give up, buy me a dress, and he'll love me for that and all over and brim all over again.
I cried when he was talking and i just felt like slipping into a grave and remaining there.
Nothing means anything to me... I think so.
I have only one friend, but she has other priorities, I think I need to give her space. She comes back when she thinks I'm angry. *shrugs*
I need someone I can talk to,expose all my life to,play with,laugh with, quarel with and get back with, and feel very safe.
THERE IS NO SUCH PERSON.
So, I'll wallow in misery and depression until I can come around again. If you have a FRIEND, I mean a friend in every word of it, not friend because that's what you can call him or her, I mean a friend friend, please cherish him/her.
Ok, its not about if I don't have friend or friends, I just want to stop crying, I want to get food and eat, I'm very hungry, I repeat, I'm very hungry and I am depressed. Nothing means anything to me and I feel I've gotten to that point that vainess overwhelms me. I should take a long last breathe.
I want to stop crying. I want to be a lawyer. So I have something to live on for.
I have lost everything.
I want a shoulder I will cry on for 2 hours and sleep and say nothing and wake up to a big plate of plantain porridge and shredded chicken and bottle of smothies,cry gain and sleep.
THERE IS NO SUCH SHOULDER.