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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

RAMBLINGS.

Sometimes I feel very vain and useless,nothing causes the feeling, I just sit down and allow depression to deal with me. I'm a crier. I cry at everything but I'm not vulnerable, I still think when I'm crying, I even think better. This is one of those moments when I feel really vain. I have been crying all through the weekend and over, my eyes look like I have bags of rice in them but I don't care, I'm very edgy and raw and everything is making me cry.


I know the problem, I have nobody to talk to or trust, I have nobody to share my feelings with, I'm scared of everything,everybody. I remove my mask at night after trying all day to be smiley and I cry bitterly. No, I am not lonely, I am depressed.

I don't have a boyfriend, actually, I don't want a boyfriend.

I think of so many things at the same time and I keep trying to find what my problem is, I just feel vain.
I'm not broke, I try not to be, I am very hungry, I haven't eaten for 2 days, ok, I had a bottle of malt yesterday and that was it, I am so weak and fragile and I miss my mother and brother. I also miss my daddy. *crying*.

I have finished 2 boxes of kleenex since last night. I have talked to myself in the mirror, I have prayed and tried to sleep, I feel like I am dying.

I am not lonely, I am depressed.

My Ex called me last night. I wasn't happy to talk to him but I did. He knows I'm undergoing a rough phase. He reminded me of how I use to look into his eyes and say before you give up, buy me a dress, and he'll love me for that and all over and brim all over again.

I cried when he was talking and i just felt like slipping into a grave and remaining there.

Nothing means anything to me... I think so.

I have only one friend, but she has other priorities, I think I need to give her space. She comes back when she thinks I'm angry. *shrugs*

I need someone I can talk to,expose all my life to,play with,laugh with, quarel with and get back with, and feel very safe.

THERE IS NO SUCH PERSON.

So, I'll wallow in misery and depression until I can come around again. If you have a FRIEND, I mean a friend in every word of it, not friend because that's what you can call him or her, I mean a friend friend, please cherish him/her.

Ok, its not about if I don't have friend or friends, I just want to stop crying, I want to get food and eat, I'm very hungry, I repeat, I'm very hungry and I am depressed. Nothing means anything to me and I feel I've gotten to that point that vainess overwhelms me. I should take a long last breathe.

I want to stop crying. I want to be a lawyer. So I have something to live on for.

I have lost everything.

I want a shoulder I will cry on for 2 hours and sleep and say nothing and wake up to a big plate of plantain porridge and shredded chicken and bottle of smothies,cry gain and sleep.

THERE IS NO SUCH SHOULDER.

11 comments:

Toinlicious said...

Ok babe, you're scaring the pants off me. I was hoping this was some kinda artistic work...or is it. Please tell me it is.

Girl,i know you're strong so hang in there ok. Go see a doctor if you have to but please eat and stay alive ok. You really are scaring me

gretel said...

THANKS TOIN,I'LL SEE A DOCTOR. THANKS.

Luciano said...

my dear, you have everything.
as far as you're alive, there is hope so please, just pick yourself up, get something to eat, go out and take it all in and you'll find out theres still a lot to live for
and there are plenty people who love you

gretel said...

Thanks,Luciano, I will pick myself up and I will try to get better, thanks a lot for the concern and care, I appreciate you.

sugarspring said...

heyyyyyy....don't cry. its okay. you're alive!!!..you're breathing and thats a purpose. touch your heart and hear those heartbeats!..what do you think that is?..ITS A PURPOSE!..you're here for a purpose and you're not going anywhere hunnie till you've fulfilled that purpose, right here on earth, k?
so dust away the sand from your butt and stand up like the strong woman that you are. get away from the noise if its making you feel worse and come away to a place where you can inhale fresh air and close your eyes to meditate on God's goodness
i've been there, believe me but if you dont shrug it off, you keep sinking and so pls dont let it

gretel said...

Sugarspring.you just brought tears to my eyes,thanks so much for that comment,it was so encouraging and needed, I will try to do as you've said and I know I'll be fine.... Thanks a lot XO

MsJB said...

Hey hey
I'm trying to understand you but all I see is someone that desperately needs to talk to someone that has your best interest at heart. Family time usually works. Try to see if you can get in touch with them soon. You just need to be with people that truly understand you and accept you just the way you are.
I can't say for sure but you shouldn't allow your ex to make you feel bad or try to play mind games with you. I think you should stop talking to him for a while, at least till you are strong and back on your feet again. Try anything that makes you happy Gretel, it works everytime.

Dm me your number ok, let me call you if you need to talk to someone sometimes. please, don't do anything stupid, there are people that truly care, you just need to find the right ones.

Ginger said...

Gretel, biko. biko. Call home. ?Think of someone that cheers you up. reach out to them. leave your room. take a walk. today is Sunday. go to church. even if not your usual place of worship, go to another one. talk with God. talk to new people. You never know where that cheer is gonna come from.
Hugs** will be thinking of you today and praying for you. this one too shall pass

Tamie said...

Hi. I got to this phase some weeks ago. And I cried and cried. I had no one to REALLY talk to. Then a someone who isn't anywhere close to where I am(not even on the same continent) reached out,and I talked ,and emailed,and chatted and prayed. And I learnt to rise outta that phase.
This too shall pass dear.

I maybe a stranger but you can lean on ma shoulder. sparkle2k3@yahoo.com
Hugs.

gretel said...

MsJB,thanks, loads,this meant a lot to me,will get back to you.
Ginger..... thanks dearie, I REALLY APPRECIATE YOU,will try what you said.Thanks for the prayer,I hope I can talk to someone.
Tamie.... thanks a milluion,I'm talking to someone..,.yay...it will pass.. thanks a million

Uche (@UcheAnne) said...

I'm months late, but I just saw this and I can totally relate. Depression is just this crippling feeling, and for me, the worst part is there's no 'reason' for it. Like, sometimes I'll just sit and cry for hours, day after day, and I feel so foolish cos if someone came and asked me what's wrong, I'll have nothing reasonable to say. And then I start to feel guilty of being ungrateful to God, cos I have a lot to be thankful and happy about, but I'm just not.

I went through one of these bouts around October/November, and it wasn't funny. Hadn't felt that way in a long time so it caught me off guard. I stopped praying and just avoided anything God-related, even though I knew I should have been doing the opposite. I indulged in habits I'm trying to break (till now, but that's another story) and felt bad every time. I know how this feels, I guess, is what I'm trying to say.

I don't know what the 'remedy' is, but I think it always helps to be able to talk to someone. I was running from God so he was kinda out. My six-year relationship had ended recently (that had been coming for a long time so I wasn't like in shock or anything. It was actually better than I expected) so I wouldn't talk to him, not about how I was feeling. I had a friend I'd been talking to, but something happened there; I felt a pulling away, so I couldn't talk to that one either. And I'm not particularly friendly or outgoing, so I don't have many friends in the real sense of the word.

What can I say, I don't know how the depression left me, but it did. I think that, more than anything else, it was just God looking out for me. Cos it's not like I suddenly had someone I could talk to, or some life event that gave me joy. I just started to feel a sense of calm and peace, and even though nothing has changed on the outside, I feel fine and I so thank God for it.

Your post was a while ago, so forgive me for this outdated rambling, but I couldn't resist. Maybe I should do a blog post about it sef.