Tuesday, October 16, 2012


I want to thank everyone that looked out for me as a result of my last post. Every comment gave me one more reason to smile,to hope,to live,to EAT,ESPECIALLY TO EAT.
Toin... I can't thank you enough, your friends are really lucky.YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON,TO EVERY WORD OF IT. LOVE.

Thanks Luciano,I felt really special reading your comment,it was a huge relief.

@9jagreat.. you may not know it but you lifted my spirits, I know I was a bit difficult,but thanks for pressing on,I really appreciate you. hey...its nice to have you as a friend. :)

Sugarspring.... thanks for that comment, I was so encouraged and felt better. God bless you.

MsJB, your comment surprised me,owing to how we parted ways and even though I had said I wouldn't have any deal with you, I think your comment completely broke me, I want to say,I'm sorry for that uproar I caused and I was more than happy to see your comment, I cried sweetly and i will get back to you. Thanks a lot. LOVE.

Ginger.... thanks so much,you sounded like the elder sister I have never had and I knew immediately that you cared, thanks for your prayers and concern, your comment was heartfelt and I appreciate you.

@Tamie... thanks for the care and the shoulder, I appreciate you. God bless you.

Finally... Didi, I don't know what I would have done at this time without you, you know you are incredible,right?? I can't say it enough but you're a life saver.You scooped me from shit...right on time. In summary, I love you too,more than I can say it *kisses and more kisses*

WHEW... I may not blog in a while,some months or so. I have a problem and I don't know, Didi has been trying to help and it's working,he has helped me to improve and I recommend him anytime. I hate what I'm going through and how I feel, and before I die in the midst of plenty... I have secured a therapist..yes, I am undergoing therapy. My parents don't know YET, (I HOPE). I won't share my experiences or therapy sessions(I've had 2) but I will say if I'm better.

Thanks to all that care... XoxO!


Tuesday, October 9, 2012


Sometimes I feel very vain and useless,nothing causes the feeling, I just sit down and allow depression to deal with me. I'm a crier. I cry at everything but I'm not vulnerable, I still think when I'm crying, I even think better. This is one of those moments when I feel really vain. I have been crying all through the weekend and over, my eyes look like I have bags of rice in them but I don't care, I'm very edgy and raw and everything is making me cry.

I know the problem, I have nobody to talk to or trust, I have nobody to share my feelings with, I'm scared of everything,everybody. I remove my mask at night after trying all day to be smiley and I cry bitterly. No, I am not lonely, I am depressed.

I don't have a boyfriend, actually, I don't want a boyfriend.

I think of so many things at the same time and I keep trying to find what my problem is, I just feel vain.
I'm not broke, I try not to be, I am very hungry, I haven't eaten for 2 days, ok, I had a bottle of malt yesterday and that was it, I am so weak and fragile and I miss my mother and brother. I also miss my daddy. *crying*.

I have finished 2 boxes of kleenex since last night. I have talked to myself in the mirror, I have prayed and tried to sleep, I feel like I am dying.

I am not lonely, I am depressed.

My Ex called me last night. I wasn't happy to talk to him but I did. He knows I'm undergoing a rough phase. He reminded me of how I use to look into his eyes and say before you give up, buy me a dress, and he'll love me for that and all over and brim all over again.

I cried when he was talking and i just felt like slipping into a grave and remaining there.

Nothing means anything to me... I think so.

I have only one friend, but she has other priorities, I think I need to give her space. She comes back when she thinks I'm angry. *shrugs*

I need someone I can talk to,expose all my life to,play with,laugh with, quarel with and get back with, and feel very safe.


So, I'll wallow in misery and depression until I can come around again. If you have a FRIEND, I mean a friend in every word of it, not friend because that's what you can call him or her, I mean a friend friend, please cherish him/her.

Ok, its not about if I don't have friend or friends, I just want to stop crying, I want to get food and eat, I'm very hungry, I repeat, I'm very hungry and I am depressed. Nothing means anything to me and I feel I've gotten to that point that vainess overwhelms me. I should take a long last breathe.

I want to stop crying. I want to be a lawyer. So I have something to live on for.

I have lost everything.

I want a shoulder I will cry on for 2 hours and sleep and say nothing and wake up to a big plate of plantain porridge and shredded chicken and bottle of smothies,cry gain and sleep.