Happy weekend.

Happy weekend to all of you. I'm exceptionally excited about this weekend. Love is on the way.

Get busy.

G.

I know Oga.

Hello people.
Twitter has become the place I blog. I'm not so frequent there anymore but instead of sitting here and typing, which is the same thing done on twitter, I prefer plenty 140 words posted randomly.

Have you watched TERRIBLE BOSSES?

I should have been in that movie. I have an even worse scenario. Now is one of those times I prefer anonymity. One craze person could see this and go on to tell "oga" which actually I don't care. But then, I have enough office beef. Even spare to take home for my soup and I don't want "oga's" beef.

So.
Sexual harassment. Favoritism. "I-know-oga" characters. Gossip. Envy. Yada. Yada.
You know when you condone something till you wake upset that you're condoning something you're scared to handle..... Number 1 and 2. That's it.

I love Igbo people but the ones I work with can make you loathe the whole Igbo tribe. I have wonderful Igbo friends. Online and in real life. My best friend, Chiamaka, who is also my editor, is Igbo.

But you meet some people and you can't help but notice their tribe. Because they make it obvious. That they are Igbo, Yoruba, Hausa, Ibibio, etc.

Number 3. The I-know-oga characters. This one drives me crazy.


Normal standard procedures. Some people just swing themselves into a place and want to intimidate you because they know Oga. You can't even say one word before they go off on how Oga is their brother, uncle, best friend, father, boyfriend, sugar daddy, lover, fucker and Yada Yada. At least I haven't heard husband yet.

I can handle the visitors. It's the staff that "know oga" that is my issue now. Some are just junior staff. You can't send them on an errand and they do it willingly. They grudge, get upset, frown, murmur, insult, slam their faces on the wall and eventually mess up what you instructed them to do because as oga's person, they shouldn't be bothered. I've raised the issue a thousand times. And the response is just what makes me keep saying "Igbo people" and shaking my head.


Please. I know anyone and I mean anyone from any tribe could exhibit these animalistic attitudes. Even my lovely people too. But I work with Igbo people. 99 percent. In fact, I'm the only person from Akwa Ibom in my work place. And I like some. Yet, some just spoils it. So, make person no come write another post with plenty grammar in an attempt to table my matter. Listen, I will deal with you.

So, let's continue.

Since "I don't know oga" I respect myself by doing my work, acting mean and harsh and unfriendly and also reminding everybody that I don't know Oga, the rich perv that is toasting me.

You know it's crazy when someone says "even if you earn 1 million, I know oga, he is my brother, we used to extract shit from each other's butt and compare the length of our dicks before the governor of so and so state, forget that he's wealthy now and I'm still struggling and managing, that's life for you." Noisy, loud, flimsy and totally annoying. And it hides my happiness. And turning me to a snob. Yes. I said snob.

As long as my cheque clears every 28. And the boo cracks a joke. And I get my deliveries from ASOS and OASAP and climb one more stilettos. Keep on fucking him. I don't care. Again. That's my way of handling terrible bosses.

There's free wifi. That's why I'm ranting. Plus it's few days to my birthday. Precisely Easter Sunday. And I feel elderly.

I love giveaways. I just don't know how to go about it. How I'll get to deliver it. I for do. And don't think I'm lazy. Maybe I am. But then, I've never bothered about these things.

I've been rocking burgundy color lipstick. Ruby Woo by Mac. I look very old. And I like it. I look 35. And I have straw curls on. I look big. But I love the look.

I'm listening to a song. Hold me for a while. I don't know the artist. And I miss the old me.

I wish you all the best in this beautiful life. Let love rain on you. And devour you. Completely.

G.

I miss you.

Greetings.

Hello my lovely family. I don't know where to start but I want you know that I miss you all. It's been months of silence, work, twitter and life.

Myne,Didi, Ebila, who I actually didn't miss and the rest.

Thing is, I have lots of blogs on my reading list that haven't posted anything in years. But I read every blogspot just that I don't drop comments and other stuff like that. Atilola, I read your blog regularly.

Prism too. HD, the, I don't even know what eccentric name to call her.


Been writing, working, living and busy. I have loads of stuff I'll love to post and I'll post them as soon as I can. It's been pretty crazy with your girl. But in all I'm growing and that's the happy thing.


This post was just to tell those that care to know or read this blog that I miss them and I'm still here. And I'm back to blogging as frequently as possible and better things sef.


I've been "wanting" to let this out in ages.

I finished my therapy classes for depression. Lol. I had to pretend a lot to finish those classes and I want to say I'm grateful to all those that were there for me. I am fine. Very fine. I thought of taking on a new habit. Maybe, smoking, or drinking, or partying, or cooking, or gardening, or dancing, or cycling, or exercise, or writing. None worked. Well, I got lots of suggestions, good and bad so don't look at me like that.

What I settled for is quite a handful and very embarrassing, so, I won't say it. But subsequently, if you're interested or you care enough to check, you will know. Till then.....

I love you like XO.

In other news, I want to thank God for food. You won't understand this if you see it with that shallow mind and that doesn't mean you're shallow. But, I've come a long way and I'm happy to say that having food to eat is a privilege.

Good day.

Is kissing Sin?

Hallo people. 
Too soon to return abi? I told you I have repented. 
To the issue. I know I said I'd post a story. It's ready but if only Toin and honey dame would let me post it. These two ladies will not spoil me. Toin has done me something. I don't even know what to say. Honey dame has made me Caro when I am Ada Ada. What's to say?
I had an interesting argument with my friend,Smaila, yesterday. About kissing in a relationship. Well, dude is go the opinion that it's a pre cursor to sex and it's still fornication. He said you should only kiss someone you're married to. And the first time should be when the reverend says "now,you may kiss the bride". Kissing is intimate and we shouldn't indulge in it if we are not partners forever. In fact, pecks should be extremely limited as it would lead to kissing then to smooching bla bla bla. To sum his own up, don't kiss if you're not married. 
I don't need to tell you what my points were. Una no say I be former serial kisser and I didn't agree. He backed it al up with some biblical examples but as I no be pastor I didn't still agree. I mean, I'm in a relationship with a guy and we don't kiss, TBH, I will boss you around like I'm the guy and I'm really sorry I would kiss the next guy. Most dudes think I'm too bossy, I honestly feel girly and softer when I'm kissed. If we don't kiss we can't do other silly fun stuff like makes faces in pictures, stick out tongues, run around, gobble food and stuff because the only informal thing wey we for do,kiss, you have said it will lead to fornication and it's a sin. 
I even said the relationship won't last and that the girl won't be happy. He said he rather obeys God than sin. Na kiss we talk o. Not sex. I don't even subscribe to pre-marital sex. That is the posh word for fornication make e no dey like say una dey sin. I am #teamcelibate till marriage and it's for a whole lots of other reason than condemning those that have sex so no look me and start to say miss goody-two-shoes. Whatever that means. 
So, what do you guys think?
In other news, Tamie, I love you too. Toin, you can die now. Xxx.

Hello! loooooong time. i say this everytime abi. but now I have repented. It's twitter and their demons o!
Update: Toinlicious has matchmaked me with every boy she sees me tweet at. i need deliverance from this girl. i want to kill her before death does it and yesterday she told me she loves me,my heart just melted. I melted.
Honeydame O! this one case na another level. And the most painful part is they eat akara
P.S. I HATE AKARA WITH A PASSION.

@9jasgret aka Ebila. Lol. this one asked me for birthday gift! as i couldnt give he asked for something else. thats for another day.

Okay,I met this great,handsome,sweet,amicable,angelic,quiet,unassuming,all forms of sexy dude. Toin,stop swallowing saliva abeg. this one is not in your league. He is very intelligent. if Gretel says it,then it's so. Toin,again,close your mouth. This is not akara

the Adonis (Toin,may not know this one) wrote this for me. its a great one. Enjoy.

Imagination and Research.
Have you ever wondered why its the Heart that suffers every time the Mind(Head) thinks too much?
Ever wondered why they say love(we love with our hearts,don't we?)is blind?
Its because there's a constant struggle between the Heart and the Mind.
Imagination. It sprouts from the mind but its the heart,though often weak,that helps in bringing imaginations to fruition.
The next question that readily comes to mind is "why aren't the bulk of my imagination brought to reality?". Well,its mostly because a lot of us haven't mastered the art and craft of making both our Hearts and Minds interdependent on one another.
The Heart is blind,the Mind is its walking stick hence the expression "Love is blind" because,the Heart will nine times out of ten go against the Head and love who and whatever it dims fit;it throws away its walking stick like a man who just had his sight restored by a new generation,Armani suit wearing,miracle working pastor.
OK before I digress any further than I already have,here's my point;if your Imaginations aren't wide and wild enough that it scares the crap out of your Heart then you aren't THINKING BIG! You have got to stretch your mind beyond its elastic limit to the point where your Heart knows better than to doubt and disbelieve your Imaginations.
Search through the corners and crannies of your Mind like an NYPD detective looking through every street in New York's five boroughs to track down a drug cartel or like an Amnesia- stricken old man,looking everywhere around his house for where he left his glasses whereas he's got them hanging on his head;in your Head lies answers to all you may ever need,reach for it.
You don't wanna make your Heart suffer an attack or a cardiac arrest every time your Head works(worries/thinks) too much,do you? Then put your Heart where you Mind is,let them partner together to produce and achieve results that would have a huge effect(positive or as the case may be) on yourself and a large number of people(let's say British American Tobacco and its effect on people).
Research. Every time you feel as though you have ransacked your Head to no avail then you have got to SEARCH AGAIN;Re-Search!
Research through your Mind until you find what it is your heart yearns for,also research through the works and products of other people's Minds to help you find and discover what you desire.
There will always be that huge chasm somewhere in your heart that only your Imaginations when brought to fruition,can fill.
The Mind is God's biggest gift to man,cherish and fill it with Imaginations that are profitable and also re-search through it to ensure that it is in accordance with nearly everything that science and Research have proven that the human mind can achieve.

Whew! Xxx. Toin for don sleep by now.

LIEBSTER AWARD

Happy Easter everyone.

I've been ill but getting okay.

Didi gave me this award. Thank you Didi,you like to be awarding me anyhow.
http://http://didis-view.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1
:*.



He asked some one kind question like that! Rme.
Answers.
1) Didi, did this your question come from Questionnaire on twitter?
2) Swimming isn't for figure,its for longevity, what lives longer than the whale? Get your facts jor. :p
3) Drs leave when you change to make you know that they respect your privacy. Its a ritual.
4) They wake up to eat or because they are uncomfortable, you that even if legions of mosquitoes bite you,you no go wake,you be baby?
5) Watch 3 Idiots.

Didi, don't ever compare your troubles to mine, you hear!
I'm passing the award to the following.
Yellow SiSi Unspoken.
MsJB
LadyNgo
And whoever is interested.
Just one question! Money or Love?
Xoxo!

EXCERPTS.

The dusty black maria pulled over roughly at the front of the Ikot Akpan Abia police station. Ini was jolted out of her sleep as tires screeched and doors opened rapidly. She couldn’t believe she had slept, when was the last time she slept? She heard the police officer that had taken her from the court giving orders to someone about receiving the new inmate and treating her with care. She was the new inmate. She understood why she should be treated with care. She was a highly classified criminal. She had been blindfolded from court and didn’t know where she was. She felt tears nibbling at the corner of her eyes but she held herself. If tears could save, she would have gotten freedom to last her through eternity and the next.

“Get down!!!’’ her thoughts were short-lived by the thunderous voice that barked at her. Her body shook at the voice.
She took a deep breath and tried to move. ‘’I can’t see” she said firmly.
‘’oh!” the thunderous voice said with a sigh.

The owner of the voice dragged her by the arm out of the car and shut the door. She smiled. Everyone shoved her about lately. The sharp rays of the sun blinded her as the dark cloth was removed from her eyes. She tried to raise her left hand to shield a bit of the sun and she realized it was chained. She shut her eyes firmly and allowed the officer to lead her inside the prison. She opened her eyes as they got to the door of the building. Two female wardens stood in guard uniforms and nodded at her, their faces were as cold as the walls of the prison. She was led to an office. A slim frail figure sat in a big chair behind an even bigger desk. Thunderous voice saluted the frail figure.

“Good evening sir” he said in a thunderous voice.
‘’Sergeant Martins, Good evening, is this Iniobong Ekanem, the new inmate sentenced from the federal court?” he asked without looking up as he went through some files.

“Yes sir, she is”
“Ah!! Here’s her file” he said as though he didn’t hear the sergeant’s reply. “Iniobong Ekanem, charged for murder and sentenced to do life here”. He said slowly as he raised his face for the first time and his eyes fell on Iniobong. His face lost its stern glee and he removed his glasses slowly as he stared at her. A common habit with every new inmate.
“Yes sir, she is’’ the sergeant answered again and he seemed not to hear. He slowly wore his glasses again, looked into the file and studied it for a few seconds.
“Take her to cell 6”.
The words hit Iniobong on the ear with a loud clank. She couldn’t hold herself again. She let the tears flow slowly down her cheeks as she shut her eyes firmly and smiled.
‘’Sentenced to life imprisonment”. The words of the judge rang in her ears. She put her head down and smiled. She wasn’t going to cry. Not anymore. These people won’t see how defeated she was and how helpless. No more tears. Tears poured out of her eyes like torrential rainfall on a cold morning. A dark piece of clothing was placed on her eyes, she was grabbed by her arm that had been handcuffed to her back and led to the black maria outside. As she walked slowly, the fetters on her feet dragged across the concrete floor and she let her ears enjoy the noise. She heaved gently as she was pushed into the back seat of the car. She would try to sleep that night she told herself.

“Step inside” Thunder voice said. Her thoughts were jolted again. He had removed the fetters from her feet and the cuffs from her wrist. She rubbed her wrist gently, heaved heavily and then turned, looked into his eyes and said thank you, gently.
Sergeant Martins was speechless. No prisoner ever greeted him or even said thank you. Some even tried to start a fight with him. He simply nodded and allowed her walked into the cell. He locked the metal protectors and stood there briefly to watch her next actions. His regular habit with every inmate he locked up. He will never forget what he saw.
Ini took her time as she stepped into the cell, she scanned the room that was going to be her house forever, taking in every bit of the tiny square dark room with a window at the side. She saw two female inmates grinning at her, they looked type B HIV patients, one said ‘’hi’’ to her as she rose from her 6 spring bed and that’s when it happened, the remaining pieces of Ini’s heart broke. She fell on her knees and let out a loud sorrowful song, tears streaming down massively from her eyes. As she sang she stretched slowly on the floor and wept uncontrollably with a loud voice. The words of the song could barely be heard as she wept and wailed. Unknown to her, Sgt Martins, the frail stern figure at the desk and other wardens gathered by the front of her cell and watched shockingly as she cried and sang. They had never seen such act. Other prison inmates stood behind their bars trying to peep at where the intrusion came from without much luck.
‘’Na this guilty ones dey cry pass’’ the inmate in cell 8 said. Her colleague laughed.
‘’Cobra stop oh, this one is really crushed”

“Aren’t we always really crushed” she replied rolling her eyes.
“Lucifer is by her door”. Her mate said to her.
Cobra as she was called jumped immediately. “you mean, Luci dey for her door”?
“Come and see for yourself”
They struggled to poke their heads from the iron bars to no avail and they turned and gave each other a knowing look, this was no ordinary prisoner.

Resolutions and birthday.

I decided to make resolutions after I read Cece's resolution on @Tomboxe's blog! Tomboxe also sent me a song that completely crushed me and made me think of life. "Another Love". I cried that night bitterly.
So, this year I plan to do everything to my advantage. I will try to kick bad habits and stay at home more. I plan to be a better daughter,sister,friend and blogger and also to be a loner. I'm raising my standards so high and be less of a people pleaser. I want to work on my spirituality and have better relationships. I want to be a loner and not be caught up in people's drama. I plan to travel as much as I can and enjoy my alone life. I plan to take less picture and just admire myself inwardly. I plan not to buy any more shoes this year. I plan to develop my innate abilities and be a bit more professional. I want to find real love, the one that comes with deep emotions and romance. Deeper than any physical. Thing. I want to want someone who wants me back. Someone who wants the world to know we are together, someone who can't stand being away from me. Someone who pushes me to be the best. I want to be more personal than public and have a life I can recall. So help me Allah.

Its my brother's birthday. My only sibling! I remember when he slapped me and I remember when he apologized. He sent me a text yesterday telling me he misses being pushed around by me and tears rolled down my eyes! I wish him love and a great life. And I wish that one day we'll be the only two left in this world! Happy birthday @9jafirstborn! Love you in death.

Greetings in the name of .....

Compliments!
I trust that all of you are doing well.
I miss a lot of people but I'll stay true to myself not to talk much!
10 weeks of therapy has done a lot to me! From a vibrant lively girl to a serious melancholy (whatever that means)! I said I won't talk about therapy!
Mine wasn't the worst in the world even though my Dr made it seemed so, but I ate lots of plantain porridge which is what I wanted!

My life has changed! I am no longer battling depression, I just let it consume me and go away when it finishes, I am battling insomnia! The very chronic type! I never saw that shii like this but I'll tell you,its crazy,nobody even believes me,when I say I've not slept for more than 2 hours in 4 months! Pills have defied this one oh!

Yes! Ebila the great :*! Uchenna :*:*! Priscyworld :*:*:*! Kimberly of 7 deadly poets....I love you!
Toin,Myne, I miss you much, and Ginger my sister,much love! Didi :):*! LDP...no kiSs oh,you're married!

Sugarspring <3 and MsJB...I miss you!
Who else? :*:* share that one!

P.S. I just downloaded @seunodukoya's e-book,its incredible.
P.S(2) I will write about the girls I've kissed! Its also incredible.
P.S(3) what??? *shines eyes* excerpts from my novel, yes my novel!
P.S(4) I need to stop sampling good kissers! Ok,that's actually my new year resolution which so far ain't working!
5) If you ever thought I was crazy...na you dey craze! JK!
#Bless!

REHAB.

I stared at the white and brown ceilings above my head. the halogen bulb kept blinking in slow successions and some tiny insects danced around it.

"waap" one fell on my arm. I slapped it and hissed. I switched off the light.

Janet snored gently. I liked the sound. It reminds me of me. The fan went gently and gave a hum of a popular chorus. I hummed along, smiling. Tears trickled down the sides of me eyes as I hummed. Tears of..... I don't know.

I was 9 years old, I peed on my bed, someone slapped me and slapped again, then dragged me outside. "Stupid child who still messes the bed at your age?" More slaps. I woke up, it was dark couldn't see who. I slept on the balcony.

I was 12 years old. Cousin came for weekend and saturday night as I showered, he peeped from the window. Later he came to my room naked. I screamed and he ran out. I was denied food for 2 days for lying on him.

I was 16!!!! I was suspended from school for having a phone, insulting a teacher and having love letters. I was sent to my Grandma's house (not in a village). That suspension gave me my best friend. Grandma!!! 3 weeks of love, play, harmony and understanding. I never wanted to go.

I was 17. My best friend died, Grandma.

I was 19. I was evil.

I was twenty one... I wanted another best friend.

I am 22, I've found none.

I am.... "hey hey..." Janet shook me, why are you singing and crying?

I opened my eyes, 3 pairs of eyes stared curiously into my face.

"was I loud?'' I asked calmy.
"hmmmm.... you were screaming, do you ever sleep at all?"

I heaved. I will never sleep at night. I have chronic insomnia and something in my mind was making things hard. I know what it is and I won't say it. The doctor has done her job.

**************************************

HADES.

I want to thank everyone that looked out for me as a result of my last post. Every comment gave me one more reason to smile,to hope,to live,to EAT,ESPECIALLY TO EAT.
Toin... I can't thank you enough, your friends are really lucky.YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON,TO EVERY WORD OF IT. LOVE.

Thanks Luciano,I felt really special reading your comment,it was a huge relief.

@9jagreat.. you may not know it but you lifted my spirits, I know I was a bit difficult,but thanks for pressing on,I really appreciate you. hey...its nice to have you as a friend. :)

Sugarspring.... thanks for that comment, I was so encouraged and felt better. God bless you.

MsJB, your comment surprised me,owing to how we parted ways and even though I had said I wouldn't have any deal with you, I think your comment completely broke me, I want to say,I'm sorry for that uproar I caused and I was more than happy to see your comment, I cried sweetly and i will get back to you. Thanks a lot. LOVE.

Ginger.... thanks so much,you sounded like the elder sister I have never had and I knew immediately that you cared, thanks for your prayers and concern, your comment was heartfelt and I appreciate you.

@Tamie... thanks for the care and the shoulder, I appreciate you. God bless you.

Finally... Didi, I don't know what I would have done at this time without you, you know you are incredible,right?? I can't say it enough but you're a life saver.You scooped me from shit...right on time. In summary, I love you too,more than I can say it *kisses and more kisses*

WHEW... I may not blog in a while,some months or so. I have a problem and I don't know, Didi has been trying to help and it's working,he has helped me to improve and I recommend him anytime. I hate what I'm going through and how I feel, and before I die in the midst of plenty... I have secured a therapist..yes, I am undergoing therapy. My parents don't know YET, (I HOPE). I won't share my experiences or therapy sessions(I've had 2) but I will say if I'm better.

Thanks to all that care... XoxO!

DIDI.... #MUAH

RAMBLINGS.

Sometimes I feel very vain and useless,nothing causes the feeling, I just sit down and allow depression to deal with me. I'm a crier. I cry at everything but I'm not vulnerable, I still think when I'm crying, I even think better. This is one of those moments when I feel really vain. I have been crying all through the weekend and over, my eyes look like I have bags of rice in them but I don't care, I'm very edgy and raw and everything is making me cry.


I know the problem, I have nobody to talk to or trust, I have nobody to share my feelings with, I'm scared of everything,everybody. I remove my mask at night after trying all day to be smiley and I cry bitterly. No, I am not lonely, I am depressed.

I don't have a boyfriend, actually, I don't want a boyfriend.

I think of so many things at the same time and I keep trying to find what my problem is, I just feel vain.
I'm not broke, I try not to be, I am very hungry, I haven't eaten for 2 days, ok, I had a bottle of malt yesterday and that was it, I am so weak and fragile and I miss my mother and brother. I also miss my daddy. *crying*.

I have finished 2 boxes of kleenex since last night. I have talked to myself in the mirror, I have prayed and tried to sleep, I feel like I am dying.

I am not lonely, I am depressed.

My Ex called me last night. I wasn't happy to talk to him but I did. He knows I'm undergoing a rough phase. He reminded me of how I use to look into his eyes and say before you give up, buy me a dress, and he'll love me for that and all over and brim all over again.

I cried when he was talking and i just felt like slipping into a grave and remaining there.

Nothing means anything to me... I think so.

I have only one friend, but she has other priorities, I think I need to give her space. She comes back when she thinks I'm angry. *shrugs*

I need someone I can talk to,expose all my life to,play with,laugh with, quarel with and get back with, and feel very safe.

THERE IS NO SUCH PERSON.

So, I'll wallow in misery and depression until I can come around again. If you have a FRIEND, I mean a friend in every word of it, not friend because that's what you can call him or her, I mean a friend friend, please cherish him/her.

Ok, its not about if I don't have friend or friends, I just want to stop crying, I want to get food and eat, I'm very hungry, I repeat, I'm very hungry and I am depressed. Nothing means anything to me and I feel I've gotten to that point that vainess overwhelms me. I should take a long last breathe.

I want to stop crying. I want to be a lawyer. So I have something to live on for.

I have lost everything.

I want a shoulder I will cry on for 2 hours and sleep and say nothing and wake up to a big plate of plantain porridge and shredded chicken and bottle of smothies,cry gain and sleep.

THERE IS NO SUCH SHOULDER.

The Nigerian "god".

Saw this on @Dianah"s blog and decided to share before I write the 2nd sequel of kissing spree. You can also view it here http://www.dianahsplace.com/2012/08/the-nigerian-godsad-but-true.html


I found it kind of funny but true,please read and share too.

please it doesn't talk about Jehovah,the Great God oh


The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.
This article is for all those who want to become better worshippers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.

First, you must understand that being a worshipper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.

When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.

When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.

Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.

The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?

The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s.

The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.

If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.

The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.

These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship.

In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.
-Anonymous

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